Oral sex school

Ahh oral, one of the most under-rated sex acts. Unfortunately we're not taught how to perform or receive oral, so most of us just flop our tongues around thinking it’s some annoying preface to the main event.  But oral sex can be so much more when you have the time, skills and desire. So here are my 6 main tips for awesome oral sex.

Sweeten the deal

(image from http://favim.com/image/213511/)

A lot of complaints from both men and women go a bit like this: “I don’t like the taste/smell of my partner’s bits”. Well, here’s some ways to sweeten their junk and make the experience more pleasant for the both of you!

-          Suggest a sexy shower for the two of you, especially if you’ve had a long day. Wash away your troubles (along with that musty scent), before you get down to it. There’s no need to douche or wash yourself too intensely, but a quick rinse does wonders.

-          Eat more fruit! The old ‘pineapple sweetens your jizz’ trick is not that far from the truth. A healthy diet, as well as limited intake of alcohol and cigarettes, can affect the smell and taste of your fluids! So remember, an apple a day keeps the funk away.  

-          Buy some fun lubes – you can get chocolate or fruit flavoured and delicious-smelling ones too. Make sure you avoid those with sugar in them (or any types of food – chocolate sauce is not for the vag or the penis!), as these can cause thrush, a nasty discharge which is caused when the natural balance of the vagina is thrown out of whack.

Take your time

A lot of people (guys, I’m looking at you) think that foreplay is a waste of time and just can’t wait to get into the ‘real sex’. Well, I’m telling you – oral is your best way to get your partner super keen & wet for penetration, rack up some brownie points, and probably your best shot at giving her an orgasm. Regardless of whether you’re performing oral on a guy or a girl, take it slowly, try to really tune into what they’re enjoying and what’s working for them, and bask in the fact that you’re making them feel really, really good.

Work your way to the middle

Don’t think you need go straight for the centre of the action (the clitoris or penis). A bit of suspense is never a bad thing, so start at less sensitive and often ignored parts of the body, then work your way towards the holy grail. Think about the stomach, arms, chest and thighs, and don’t forget the lips and face. Kissing and touching any of these areas is likely to get them raring to go. Then you can think about moving towards the pubic bone, balls, outer vaginal lips (labia majora), and ass. And finally, when you get to the clitoris & penis, all that build-up will be worth it.

Avoid the pearly whites

(image source: http://favim.com/image/631911/)

No chomping, biting or nipping, unless the other person tells you that’s how they want it! Not only is it super uncomfortable, but you risk making small cuts in the skin, which increases the risk of sexually transmissible infections (such as herpes & gonorrhoea) and blood borne viruses (such as Hep C & HIV). So, try to wrap your lips around your teeth a little more, and keep those gnashing movements for the dinner table.

Learn to multi-task

Don’t just focus on using your tongue, lips & mouth – get some other bits n pieces in on the action! Use your hands and fingers aswell (just make sure they’re nicely lubed up), or even bring a vibrator into the mix. It can be used on and around the clitoris, as well as on the scrotum, or on the perineum (the bit of skin between the balls/vagina and the anus – it’s full of nerve endings and super sensitive!). You can also use it to penetrate the vagina or ass while continuing on with your oral skillz.

Communicaaaaaaate!

I know I sound like a broken record on this one, but it really is the key to success with any kind of sex and any kind of partner. And I don’t mean you have to break into D&Ms in the middle of the fun stuff, but just make sure you ask them “how does that feel?”, or “do you want me to go higher/lower/faster/slower/harder/softer?”, or “show me where you want me to start”. If you feel uncomfortable talking about sex, you can communicate by making different sounds, touching, moving the other persons head/hand/fingers/bits, and moving your body in different ways. Don’t be afraid to try new things and see, feel & hear how your partner responds.

The other part of this equation is being able to LISTEN. Don’t be offended if your partner tells you something doesn’t feel good, or to do something differently. Be honoured and take those gems of info on board! You will improve your technique and they will improve their chances of orgasm. Everyone’s a winner.

Sex is not just for V-Day

Sex is not just for Valentines Day. It’s for every day!

But if you’re one of those peeps who likes to do something special & sexy for your partner to commemorate some Roman priests, go for it – and take these tips with you.

Now, we’ve all seen a lot of sexy Valentines set-ups & get-ups, – I’m thinking rose petals leading to 4-poster beds, expensive lingerie and push-up bras, spray tans and brazilian waxes - & with Australian’s set to spend a record $930million this V-Day, it’s important to remember some of the best gifts (like most awesome things in life) are free.  So, do something free for yourself, your mates &/or your partner(s) and make everyone happy:

Spend a little time on YOU

If you don’t have a saucy date lined up, spread the love to yourself. When we caught up in the everything-else-of-life, we forget to focus on what’s really important – our own happiness &, perhaps even more important, our own fappiness.

I think it’s SO important, I’ve even started buying vibrators for my friends. Not a traditional birthday gift, but from all reports it’s doing the job! So why not treat yourself to a new vibrator, sex toy, lube, or erotic fiction this Valentines, and spend some time getting to know your bits.

Now, a lot of you might think – how tragic to be alone, masturbating, on Valentines Day. But THINK ABOUT IT – you’re doing yourself and your future/current partner(s) a favour, by working out what turns you on, what feels good, and what makes you cum. So use your V-day alone-time to your advantage, and work on becoming an absolute tiger in the sack.

Celebrate with your BFFs

Grab hold of your friends, declare your love for them & take advantage of some of the sweet Valentines specials (I’m thinking free champagne, kitschy restaurant decorations, & cheap set menus). We’ve all seen/written enough whingey singles facebook posts cursing Valentines Day to last a lifetime, so why not enjoy the ridiculousness of it all and throw your singleton troubles to the wind!

(hopefully your night doesn’t end as tragically as Carrie & Miranda’s did….)

Don’t stress the sex stuff

Like a wedding night, there’s a lot of pressure to get it on for Valentines Day. But usually after a stressful day at work, a big dinner out, a few too many glasses of vino and all the expectations of being sex-on-legs, it can be the last thing on your to-do list. So why not forget about it for one night and focus on other things in your relationship? There’s a whole lot of intimacy that can be shared by two people without getting your kit off – what about buying some sweet-smelling oil and giving your hottie a slow massage or simple foot rub? What about a make-out session in the back of the car?  What about a cosy spoon and exchanging some sweet nothings at the end of the night?

If the night naturally leads to sex, go for it! But if it doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world.

 After all, Valentines Day is just a day about some old Roman priests. Use EVERY day to celebrate your loved ones (whether they be partners, friends or family) and yourself. 

back in the saddle

Good morning to all!

Just a quick update to say I’m still alive and this blog is still trucking along, I’ve just been away in the USofA over the December/January and haven’t had a chance to update.

However, I did manage to mix a little work with pleasure, and visited the Museum of Sex in NYC while I was there. (Notice the extreme excitement on my face in the below picture that only comes with the anticipation of seeing 3 levels of sex-related artifacts & displays. Yep. Sex geekdom.)

 

I saw old-school vibrators (back in the day where vibration-assisted masturbation was administered or prescribed by doctors for ladies with ‘hysteria’ – aka sexual desire), ground-breaking sex toys and interactive S&M suits, an exhibition on the ‘sex lives of animals’ and some of the most incredible photographs and artworks (including a quilt made up of pictures of people’s orgasm faces – brilliant).

(I also got this awesome drink bottle)

Now I’m back in the land of the living and ready to get my blog on. I’m also writing a Q&A section for reachout.com, continuing to work in the HIV sector & studying my Diploma of Counselling. Stay tuned for more sexy updates soon & remember that suggestions are always welcome xx

Too young for sex education? /RANT/

A study cited in the Sydney Morning Herald this morning indicates that high school students want sex education earlier but that teachers are uncomfortable teaching such material. Regardless of the fact that this study was of a small sample size of students in Ballarat (a relatively urban centre in Victoria), it’s findings have hit a nerve & illuminated a heated debate in the comments section.

The argument against early sex education draws on fears of the loss of young people’s ‘innocence’ and the age-old moral panic that ‘if we teach them about it, it’s giving them permission to go out and do it’. And you know what? NO. It’s not. Teaching young people about their bodies, sex & contraceptives will not make them go out and have sex, just as teaching them about sports physiology and injury prevention will not make them go out and play dangerous sports.

 

‘RRR’ suggests that young people “are not emotionally ready to learn about sex education at an earlier age”. But when is ‘ready’? Does ‘ready’ mean when they have already been forced to deal with it, when they’re thrust head-first into puberty without any preparation? When they have their first wet dream, when they bleed between their legs, when they find themselves feeling guilty about masturbating? Surely we are ready to learn about our bodies at the earliest age possible. Surely the fact that we inhabit these glorious, fascinating, mysterious, messy and confusing vessels called our bodies, gives us enough reason to know how they work, what they can do and how this may affect us in the future.

I have a 4-year-old nephew who is endlessly inquisitive about his body and the bodies of those around him. Instead of calling his penis a 'willy', 'peepee' or a number of ridiculous pseudonyms I've heard used by adults and children alike, he knows it's called a penis. He knows about his foreskin, how to clean himself and that his penis feels nice sometimes when he touches it. He is incredibly well adjusted, happy and healthy. He knows who is allowed to touch his body and in what ways, what is 'off limits' and is being taught to look after himself. When we asks, we answer. It the information given is not relevant to him (as I'm sure it won't be for many years), he quickly tunes out and resumes playing Mario. It doesn't damage him and it doesn't confuse him. What it does do is open up an honest line of communication between himself and responsible adults who he loves and trusts. Where's the negative there?

By withholding information from young people, we reduce their sense of ownership of their bodies, their agency and decision-making which comes with the responsibility of being a human. To me, this screams of a number of concerning issues including possible body image problems, uninformed sexual decision-making, and sexual assault concerns(where young people are sexually disenfranchised and do not feel they are entitled to speak up about their own bodies and what can/can’t be done with them).

Amongst all the debate and misinformed nonsense on this comment thread, there are those who share some wonderful insights, and I’ll leave the last word with them:

UPDATE

Just wanted to provide an update, as I've been M.I.A for a little while. I've been super busy with work, away at the 1st National Sexual & Reproductive Health Conference, and I've starting writing sex advice for reachout.com (see the first question/answer here: http://au.reachout.com/q-i-want-to-have-sex). There will be one question/answer per week uploaded onto the site, so if you have a question which you don't want to ask here - feel free to submit it at reachout, here.

Other than that, I'm drafting up some more blog posts! The topics I'll be covering in the next few posts are:

 - The basics of sexual anatomy and why it's important to know.
 - Blow jobs
 - Why I've started buying vibrators for my friends.
 - How sex ed failed us.
 - & more golden nuggets of things I wish I'd been told about sex.

If you have any suggestions or burning questions, pop them in a comment & I'll get to them ASAP x

fastBREAK 'cure' video

Here is the video of my speech from fastBREAK at the Powerhouse Museum last month, which I wrote about HERE. Get excited.

Fap your way to happiness (aka The Fappiness Principle)

MASTURBATE!

It’s the best way to get to know your body, what turns you on, what feels nasty, what makes you cum. How are we supposed to tell our partners what we want or don’t want, if we don’t even know ourselves? It’s a wonderful way to explore your body’s sexual response, it’s always consensual, there’s no risk of pregnancy and it’s completely natural. 

Photo by Zandura577 (Source)

Children naturally masturbate, they start exploring their bodies and find that some parts feel particularly good when touched in certain ways. But at the same time we are taught not to touch ourselves, and we learn that our genitals are our ‘private parts’ or ‘naughty parts’, so we repress the natural desire to fiddle. When we become teenagers & the barrage of hormones kick in, the desire to masturbate returns, and masturbation becomes the source of many jokes – especially targeted at young men. They’re expected to want to masturbate almost constantly, which fails to acknowledge their diversity of experiences and desires/drives.  It feeds into the sexualised culture of young men who are told in order to be ‘real men’ they need to want and be ready for sex all.the.time.

The reality is that most of us fumble about a bit during adolescence, but usually fall into a regular pattern of masturbation which is predictable and not particularly varied. We use the same porn or fantasies and the same techniques which usually continues into adulthood. Ofcourse, masturbation isn’t compulsory and you are not abnormal if you don’t want to play with yourself. Some people don't masturbate or have any desire to masturbate at all, and that's completely normal aswell.

However, if you’d like to start masturbating, or want to explore or change your masturbation technique (maybe because you’re not reaching orgasm as often as you’d like?), here’s some hot tips.

-       Get in the mood: You might find that just the idea of masturbating will be a turn-on itself, but if you need a little help to get the fire started, try some of these things –

o   Fantasise about someone or something that turns you on. Imagine they are there with you or you are in a situation which you find sexy. It may be something you have done before, would like to do or would never do but find the idea of it a huge turn-on!). Lots of people have fantasies which they would never like to come true (especially rape/assault fantasies), but it doesn’t mean they can’t be a healthy part of your sexual experiences.

o   Pornography / Erotica – Explore some of the websites and resources I’ve listed HERE, and you’re likely to find something that flips your switches. Have a browse through the free websites and then use key word searches to pinpoint the kind of stuff you like.

o   Voyeurism/Exhibitionism – try Cam4 or even ChatRoulette if you want to see some real people getting their junk out. If you’re super brave, you might want to show yourself off. Get your web-cam set-up & get to it – you’ll find people will give you suggestions and compliments (although there may be haters aswell), and you might find it gets you going. But be careful to conceal your identity if you’re worried, and make sure you’re aware of the risks of online exhibitionism.

-          Use lube: this is always an essential part of any sex education I give. Lube is one of the best things to add to both masturbation and partner-sex. It makes everything slippery, makes penetration or contact (with clitoris/vulva, penis, sex toy, body part, material etc.) less abrasive, and lessens the risk of discomfort from a ‘dry rub’ (think of a genital carpet-burn….gaah). Try a water-based lubricant - they're available at supermarkets, chemists or adult stores, or you can also buy it online and it will be shipped in discrete packaging.

-          Ladies, invest in a vibrator: This can be particularly important, as vibrational pressure on or around the clitoris is what women most commonly find will regularly bring them to orgasm. You don’t necessarily need a giant, penis-shaped vibrator – there are lots of interesting products out, especially by a brand called Lelo (MaxxxBlack have a great range here) which are shaped like ‘pebbles’, especially for the clitoris and vulva area (external genitals). Dr Laura Berman controversially suggested on Oprah in 2009 that mothers might give their daughters a vibrator. Props to Berman, that’s an amazing idea! A lot of women might find that their hands or other objects might work just as well, but a vibrator is always a good accessory and one that has found to be particularly useful to many women – vibration was also used by doctors back in the day where female ‘hysteria’ was cured by orgasm!

-         Experiment with different textures, pressures & rhythms: usually one size doesn’t fit all, so try a few different things to see what works and what doesn’t – move into different positions, try different objects/toys and try to work out how sensitive different parts of your genitals are. You might find that you need a very specific combination of things to reach orgasm.

-          Focus on the sensations: Especially if you’re trying to control orgasm (whether you’ve never had an orgasm and you’re trying to, or whether you find you’re cumming too fast and want to lengthen the experience), try to focus on how it feels. Try to block out other distractions – and that might mean making sure you have a quiet space free of interruptions, putting some music on, and/or relaxing in a warm bath.

What have you got to lose? Take some time out of your day to get in touch with your body and inner ‘fappiness’.