Orgasm Anxiety

I've been writing a contribution for an upcoming issue of Cosmopolitan magazine, and thought it was an important issue to address on my blog in a more extended form. The female orgasm has been subject to a great deal of discussion, and a lot of us ladies feel a great deal of pressure to be orgasmic, multi-orgasmic, squeelers, squirters, g-spotters, or mutually orgasmic (with our partners). The reality is, a lot of women aren't orgasmic at all, or can only reach the big O under certain circumstances. There's a lot of stress and anxiety around female pleasure and orgasm, so it's time to break down some of them.

I get a lot of questions from women about orgasms, so I thought I'd look at a few of the more common ones here.

What do orgasms feel like? How do I know if I've had one?

Some words commonly used terms to describe female orgasm are: warm, tingly, shaking, contractions, like you have to pee, a sense of release. While some people say "you'll know when you've had one", I think this sets up an expectation of women to both be in touch with their bodies and to have noticeably intense orgasms. Each person will experience orgasm slightly differently. Most women will make some vocalisations when they are reaching orgasm, and experience involuntary muscle contractions (including the classic 'curling toes'). However, don't think you're going to have a Hollywood bed-head-shattering scream-fest.  Thanks to rom coms and porn we think all orgasms are explosive, but you may find it is much less intense than you expect.

It's also common for the clitoris to be particularly sensitive after orgasm, although women are lucky enough to be able to experience multiple orgasms, so with continued stimulation another orgasm may follow.

Some women (approximately 6-13%) may 'squirt' when they orgasm, meaning they experience a type of female ejaculation where they expel or spray liquid from their vagina during climax (also known as 'gushing'). The jury is still out on what the liquid is, but it appears to be a mixture of vaginal lubrication and a liquid from the female prostate (or 'Skene's gland'). I'll write a longer blog post specifically about female ejaculation at a later date, but the main point to note here is that it is not urine which is ejaculated (although it may contain some urine substance), the amounts can vary from a few droplets, to quite a saturating amount, and don't be afraid of it! It's completely normal even though it's not experienced by most women - so you're one of the special few!!

(source: http://alfredo.octavio.net/2005/07/08.html)

The bottom line is, there's a whole range of experiences and it's quite difficult for me to say whether anyone has had an orgasm or not. Suffice to say, if you feel a build-up, followed by pleasure and release (and possibly clitoral sensitivity), I would suggest you have probably had an orgasm. If not, there's plenty of time to keep experimenting by yourself and/or with a partner(s) to find out what can get you there!

How do I reach orgasm?

Here are my main tips for reaching orgasm (for women - although a lot can apply to you boys aswell):

 - If you're not already, start masturbating. As I always say, it's the best way to learn about your body, what works for you and what doesn't. When you're alone it takes the pressure of you to 'perform' for a partner and can allow anxious women to be really present and tune into their bodies.

 - Relax, breathe deeply and slowly, focusing on the sensations (this can apply when you're alone and with a partner(s)). You may find that closing your eyes helps you to concentrate on what feelings are happening in your genitals and surrounding areas.

 - Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Masturbation and partner sex can be incredibly enjoyable even if you don't reach orgasm - it's not the be-all-and-end-all of sex.

 - Fantasise!  - read erotic literature, watch porn, imagine a sexy scenario which get's you really turned on. If there's plenty of arousal and blood flow, you'll be more sensitive and more likely to reach orgasm.

 - Focus on clitoral stimulation over (or coupled with) vaginal penetration. Use your hands, fingers, sex toys or whatever object you like (as long as it's clean!) to stimulate your clitoris to an intensity which feels good. It's the most common way the majority of women are able to cum.

 - Try different things - you might find it feels better when you're in a certain position, or with/without vibration, or with/without lube, or over your clothes, or in the bath - the possibilities are endless.

 - Persevere. You may not get there on the 1st try, the 2nd try, or even the 20th try, but chances are with a little perseverence and creativity (and perhaps the help of your partner, a friend, or a special electronic device), you'll get there eventually. As with all things in life, good things come (cum) to those who wait.

I can reach orgasm by myself, but not with a partner. What do I do?

 It's time to start talking to each other. Let them know that you want to make sex as enjoyable and pleasurable as possible for both of you. Teach them what you like and what works for you. Either masturbate for them, or give them some gentle pointers such as "I love it when....." or "that feels really good - can you go a bit faster/slower/harder/softer".

Make the transition easier by trying to replicate the conditions in which you were able to reach orgasm by yourself - maybe you need to be in a certain position, or you might want to introduce your sex toy(s), or get them involved in a fantasy that has worked for you in the past.

Another thing to consider is trying not to worry about your partner(s) too much. A lot of women get distracted thinking "I bet they hate this", "does their neck hurt?", "it's taking too long, they must be so annoyed". The thing is, most partners really just want to give each other pleasure, so as long as you're giving them some positive feedback and showing them how much you appreciate the effort, most are happy to oblige. and the reward will speak for itself. It doesn't hurt to return the favour every now and then either!

A final note - DON'T FAKE IT. When you start faking orgasms it really is the beginning of the end, as it starts a vicious cycle:
you fake an orgasm --> your partner thinks they're doing a good job --> they continue to do the same thing --> you don't get the stimulation you want and need --> you feel guilty and don't ask for what you want and need --> you feel you need to fake orgasm again so you don't hurt their feelings.

Break the cycle and start communicating.

When I feel like I'm about to reach orgasm, it feels like I'm going to pee and I have to make my partner stop. Is this normal? 

This is a very normal experience! Lots of women report having this feeling when they're about to reach orgasm, and if you work through the feeling, you'll find that you are very unlikely to urinate during sex, as the neck of the bladder generally closes during heightened arousal and orgasm (in men and women). If you're genuinely worried, why not experiment in the bath or shower, so that if something happens and you do pee, there's not too much of a mess to clean up.

If you find you're having difficulty with urinating during sex, I would suggest you see a doctor, urologist or gynaecologist as you may have some bladder incontinence.

I've tried everything and I still can't reach orgasm. Is it possible I can't get there at all?

There are some medications which make it much more difficult for both men and women to reach arousal and orgasm, including SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) such as antidepressants. Anti-anxiety and blood pressure medications can also have an impact on blood flow (which is critical for heightened arousal), as well as poor diet, stress, and excessive use of alcohol and other drugs. Some surgeries or damage to the spine can also affect the genital area in terms of sensitivity and response.

Women who have experienced past trauma, abuse, or genital modification (including female circumcision) are less likely to be able to reach orgasm, due to a range of physical, emotional and mental contributors. Counselling can be useful to address some of these underlying issues, and developing a trusting and comfortable relationship with partners can be essential.

Ruling out these possible causes, female orgasmic disorder is very real (which is diagnosed when these other factors are not present). It's more likely to have a psychological rather than physical cause, and can often be assisted with sex therapy and other counselling (which may include homework such as relaxation, breath-work, masturbation, kegel/pelvic floor exercises). The key point here is: don't be afraid to go to a professional for help. There is hope, and you deserve an orgasm! All of us do.

IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT ORGASMS OR SEX, PLEASE PUT IT IN THE COMMENT BOX AND I'LL GET TO IT ASAP. YOU CAN BE COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS x

Fap your way to happiness (aka The Fappiness Principle)

MASTURBATE!

It’s the best way to get to know your body, what turns you on, what feels nasty, what makes you cum. How are we supposed to tell our partners what we want or don’t want, if we don’t even know ourselves? It’s a wonderful way to explore your body’s sexual response, it’s always consensual, there’s no risk of pregnancy and it’s completely natural. 

Photo by Zandura577 (Source)

Children naturally masturbate, they start exploring their bodies and find that some parts feel particularly good when touched in certain ways. But at the same time we are taught not to touch ourselves, and we learn that our genitals are our ‘private parts’ or ‘naughty parts’, so we repress the natural desire to fiddle. When we become teenagers & the barrage of hormones kick in, the desire to masturbate returns, and masturbation becomes the source of many jokes – especially targeted at young men. They’re expected to want to masturbate almost constantly, which fails to acknowledge their diversity of experiences and desires/drives.  It feeds into the sexualised culture of young men who are told in order to be ‘real men’ they need to want and be ready for sex all.the.time.

The reality is that most of us fumble about a bit during adolescence, but usually fall into a regular pattern of masturbation which is predictable and not particularly varied. We use the same porn or fantasies and the same techniques which usually continues into adulthood. Ofcourse, masturbation isn’t compulsory and you are not abnormal if you don’t want to play with yourself. Some people don't masturbate or have any desire to masturbate at all, and that's completely normal aswell.

However, if you’d like to start masturbating, or want to explore or change your masturbation technique (maybe because you’re not reaching orgasm as often as you’d like?), here’s some hot tips.

-       Get in the mood: You might find that just the idea of masturbating will be a turn-on itself, but if you need a little help to get the fire started, try some of these things –

o   Fantasise about someone or something that turns you on. Imagine they are there with you or you are in a situation which you find sexy. It may be something you have done before, would like to do or would never do but find the idea of it a huge turn-on!). Lots of people have fantasies which they would never like to come true (especially rape/assault fantasies), but it doesn’t mean they can’t be a healthy part of your sexual experiences.

o   Pornography / Erotica – Explore some of the websites and resources I’ve listed HERE, and you’re likely to find something that flips your switches. Have a browse through the free websites and then use key word searches to pinpoint the kind of stuff you like.

o   Voyeurism/Exhibitionism – try Cam4 or even ChatRoulette if you want to see some real people getting their junk out. If you’re super brave, you might want to show yourself off. Get your web-cam set-up & get to it – you’ll find people will give you suggestions and compliments (although there may be haters aswell), and you might find it gets you going. But be careful to conceal your identity if you’re worried, and make sure you’re aware of the risks of online exhibitionism.

-          Use lube: this is always an essential part of any sex education I give. Lube is one of the best things to add to both masturbation and partner-sex. It makes everything slippery, makes penetration or contact (with clitoris/vulva, penis, sex toy, body part, material etc.) less abrasive, and lessens the risk of discomfort from a ‘dry rub’ (think of a genital carpet-burn….gaah). Try a water-based lubricant - they're available at supermarkets, chemists or adult stores, or you can also buy it online and it will be shipped in discrete packaging.

-          Ladies, invest in a vibrator: This can be particularly important, as vibrational pressure on or around the clitoris is what women most commonly find will regularly bring them to orgasm. You don’t necessarily need a giant, penis-shaped vibrator – there are lots of interesting products out, especially by a brand called Lelo (MaxxxBlack have a great range here) which are shaped like ‘pebbles’, especially for the clitoris and vulva area (external genitals). Dr Laura Berman controversially suggested on Oprah in 2009 that mothers might give their daughters a vibrator. Props to Berman, that’s an amazing idea! A lot of women might find that their hands or other objects might work just as well, but a vibrator is always a good accessory and one that has found to be particularly useful to many women – vibration was also used by doctors back in the day where female ‘hysteria’ was cured by orgasm!

-         Experiment with different textures, pressures & rhythms: usually one size doesn’t fit all, so try a few different things to see what works and what doesn’t – move into different positions, try different objects/toys and try to work out how sensitive different parts of your genitals are. You might find that you need a very specific combination of things to reach orgasm.

-          Focus on the sensations: Especially if you’re trying to control orgasm (whether you’ve never had an orgasm and you’re trying to, or whether you find you’re cumming too fast and want to lengthen the experience), try to focus on how it feels. Try to block out other distractions – and that might mean making sure you have a quiet space free of interruptions, putting some music on, and/or relaxing in a warm bath.

What have you got to lose? Take some time out of your day to get in touch with your body and inner ‘fappiness’.