Orgasm Anxiety

I've been writing a contribution for an upcoming issue of Cosmopolitan magazine, and thought it was an important issue to address on my blog in a more extended form. The female orgasm has been subject to a great deal of discussion, and a lot of us ladies feel a great deal of pressure to be orgasmic, multi-orgasmic, squeelers, squirters, g-spotters, or mutually orgasmic (with our partners). The reality is, a lot of women aren't orgasmic at all, or can only reach the big O under certain circumstances. There's a lot of stress and anxiety around female pleasure and orgasm, so it's time to break down some of them.

I get a lot of questions from women about orgasms, so I thought I'd look at a few of the more common ones here.

What do orgasms feel like? How do I know if I've had one?

Some words commonly used terms to describe female orgasm are: warm, tingly, shaking, contractions, like you have to pee, a sense of release. While some people say "you'll know when you've had one", I think this sets up an expectation of women to both be in touch with their bodies and to have noticeably intense orgasms. Each person will experience orgasm slightly differently. Most women will make some vocalisations when they are reaching orgasm, and experience involuntary muscle contractions (including the classic 'curling toes'). However, don't think you're going to have a Hollywood bed-head-shattering scream-fest.  Thanks to rom coms and porn we think all orgasms are explosive, but you may find it is much less intense than you expect.

It's also common for the clitoris to be particularly sensitive after orgasm, although women are lucky enough to be able to experience multiple orgasms, so with continued stimulation another orgasm may follow.

Some women (approximately 6-13%) may 'squirt' when they orgasm, meaning they experience a type of female ejaculation where they expel or spray liquid from their vagina during climax (also known as 'gushing'). The jury is still out on what the liquid is, but it appears to be a mixture of vaginal lubrication and a liquid from the female prostate (or 'Skene's gland'). I'll write a longer blog post specifically about female ejaculation at a later date, but the main point to note here is that it is not urine which is ejaculated (although it may contain some urine substance), the amounts can vary from a few droplets, to quite a saturating amount, and don't be afraid of it! It's completely normal even though it's not experienced by most women - so you're one of the special few!!

(source: http://alfredo.octavio.net/2005/07/08.html)

The bottom line is, there's a whole range of experiences and it's quite difficult for me to say whether anyone has had an orgasm or not. Suffice to say, if you feel a build-up, followed by pleasure and release (and possibly clitoral sensitivity), I would suggest you have probably had an orgasm. If not, there's plenty of time to keep experimenting by yourself and/or with a partner(s) to find out what can get you there!

How do I reach orgasm?

Here are my main tips for reaching orgasm (for women - although a lot can apply to you boys aswell):

 - If you're not already, start masturbating. As I always say, it's the best way to learn about your body, what works for you and what doesn't. When you're alone it takes the pressure of you to 'perform' for a partner and can allow anxious women to be really present and tune into their bodies.

 - Relax, breathe deeply and slowly, focusing on the sensations (this can apply when you're alone and with a partner(s)). You may find that closing your eyes helps you to concentrate on what feelings are happening in your genitals and surrounding areas.

 - Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Masturbation and partner sex can be incredibly enjoyable even if you don't reach orgasm - it's not the be-all-and-end-all of sex.

 - Fantasise!  - read erotic literature, watch porn, imagine a sexy scenario which get's you really turned on. If there's plenty of arousal and blood flow, you'll be more sensitive and more likely to reach orgasm.

 - Focus on clitoral stimulation over (or coupled with) vaginal penetration. Use your hands, fingers, sex toys or whatever object you like (as long as it's clean!) to stimulate your clitoris to an intensity which feels good. It's the most common way the majority of women are able to cum.

 - Try different things - you might find it feels better when you're in a certain position, or with/without vibration, or with/without lube, or over your clothes, or in the bath - the possibilities are endless.

 - Persevere. You may not get there on the 1st try, the 2nd try, or even the 20th try, but chances are with a little perseverence and creativity (and perhaps the help of your partner, a friend, or a special electronic device), you'll get there eventually. As with all things in life, good things come (cum) to those who wait.

I can reach orgasm by myself, but not with a partner. What do I do?

 It's time to start talking to each other. Let them know that you want to make sex as enjoyable and pleasurable as possible for both of you. Teach them what you like and what works for you. Either masturbate for them, or give them some gentle pointers such as "I love it when....." or "that feels really good - can you go a bit faster/slower/harder/softer".

Make the transition easier by trying to replicate the conditions in which you were able to reach orgasm by yourself - maybe you need to be in a certain position, or you might want to introduce your sex toy(s), or get them involved in a fantasy that has worked for you in the past.

Another thing to consider is trying not to worry about your partner(s) too much. A lot of women get distracted thinking "I bet they hate this", "does their neck hurt?", "it's taking too long, they must be so annoyed". The thing is, most partners really just want to give each other pleasure, so as long as you're giving them some positive feedback and showing them how much you appreciate the effort, most are happy to oblige. and the reward will speak for itself. It doesn't hurt to return the favour every now and then either!

A final note - DON'T FAKE IT. When you start faking orgasms it really is the beginning of the end, as it starts a vicious cycle:
you fake an orgasm --> your partner thinks they're doing a good job --> they continue to do the same thing --> you don't get the stimulation you want and need --> you feel guilty and don't ask for what you want and need --> you feel you need to fake orgasm again so you don't hurt their feelings.

Break the cycle and start communicating.

When I feel like I'm about to reach orgasm, it feels like I'm going to pee and I have to make my partner stop. Is this normal? 

This is a very normal experience! Lots of women report having this feeling when they're about to reach orgasm, and if you work through the feeling, you'll find that you are very unlikely to urinate during sex, as the neck of the bladder generally closes during heightened arousal and orgasm (in men and women). If you're genuinely worried, why not experiment in the bath or shower, so that if something happens and you do pee, there's not too much of a mess to clean up.

If you find you're having difficulty with urinating during sex, I would suggest you see a doctor, urologist or gynaecologist as you may have some bladder incontinence.

I've tried everything and I still can't reach orgasm. Is it possible I can't get there at all?

There are some medications which make it much more difficult for both men and women to reach arousal and orgasm, including SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) such as antidepressants. Anti-anxiety and blood pressure medications can also have an impact on blood flow (which is critical for heightened arousal), as well as poor diet, stress, and excessive use of alcohol and other drugs. Some surgeries or damage to the spine can also affect the genital area in terms of sensitivity and response.

Women who have experienced past trauma, abuse, or genital modification (including female circumcision) are less likely to be able to reach orgasm, due to a range of physical, emotional and mental contributors. Counselling can be useful to address some of these underlying issues, and developing a trusting and comfortable relationship with partners can be essential.

Ruling out these possible causes, female orgasmic disorder is very real (which is diagnosed when these other factors are not present). It's more likely to have a psychological rather than physical cause, and can often be assisted with sex therapy and other counselling (which may include homework such as relaxation, breath-work, masturbation, kegel/pelvic floor exercises). The key point here is: don't be afraid to go to a professional for help. There is hope, and you deserve an orgasm! All of us do.

IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT ORGASMS OR SEX, PLEASE PUT IT IN THE COMMENT BOX AND I'LL GET TO IT ASAP. YOU CAN BE COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS x

Oral sex school

Ahh oral, one of the most under-rated sex acts. Unfortunately we're not taught how to perform or receive oral, so most of us just flop our tongues around thinking it’s some annoying preface to the main event.  But oral sex can be so much more when you have the time, skills and desire. So here are my 6 main tips for awesome oral sex.

Sweeten the deal

(image from http://favim.com/image/213511/)

A lot of complaints from both men and women go a bit like this: “I don’t like the taste/smell of my partner’s bits”. Well, here’s some ways to sweeten their junk and make the experience more pleasant for the both of you!

-          Suggest a sexy shower for the two of you, especially if you’ve had a long day. Wash away your troubles (along with that musty scent), before you get down to it. There’s no need to douche or wash yourself too intensely, but a quick rinse does wonders.

-          Eat more fruit! The old ‘pineapple sweetens your jizz’ trick is not that far from the truth. A healthy diet, as well as limited intake of alcohol and cigarettes, can affect the smell and taste of your fluids! So remember, an apple a day keeps the funk away.  

-          Buy some fun lubes – you can get chocolate or fruit flavoured and delicious-smelling ones too. Make sure you avoid those with sugar in them (or any types of food – chocolate sauce is not for the vag or the penis!), as these can cause thrush, a nasty discharge which is caused when the natural balance of the vagina is thrown out of whack.

Take your time

A lot of people (guys, I’m looking at you) think that foreplay is a waste of time and just can’t wait to get into the ‘real sex’. Well, I’m telling you – oral is your best way to get your partner super keen & wet for penetration, rack up some brownie points, and probably your best shot at giving her an orgasm. Regardless of whether you’re performing oral on a guy or a girl, take it slowly, try to really tune into what they’re enjoying and what’s working for them, and bask in the fact that you’re making them feel really, really good.

Work your way to the middle

Don’t think you need go straight for the centre of the action (the clitoris or penis). A bit of suspense is never a bad thing, so start at less sensitive and often ignored parts of the body, then work your way towards the holy grail. Think about the stomach, arms, chest and thighs, and don’t forget the lips and face. Kissing and touching any of these areas is likely to get them raring to go. Then you can think about moving towards the pubic bone, balls, outer vaginal lips (labia majora), and ass. And finally, when you get to the clitoris & penis, all that build-up will be worth it.

Avoid the pearly whites

(image source: http://favim.com/image/631911/)

No chomping, biting or nipping, unless the other person tells you that’s how they want it! Not only is it super uncomfortable, but you risk making small cuts in the skin, which increases the risk of sexually transmissible infections (such as herpes & gonorrhoea) and blood borne viruses (such as Hep C & HIV). So, try to wrap your lips around your teeth a little more, and keep those gnashing movements for the dinner table.

Learn to multi-task

Don’t just focus on using your tongue, lips & mouth – get some other bits n pieces in on the action! Use your hands and fingers aswell (just make sure they’re nicely lubed up), or even bring a vibrator into the mix. It can be used on and around the clitoris, as well as on the scrotum, or on the perineum (the bit of skin between the balls/vagina and the anus – it’s full of nerve endings and super sensitive!). You can also use it to penetrate the vagina or ass while continuing on with your oral skillz.

Communicaaaaaaate!

I know I sound like a broken record on this one, but it really is the key to success with any kind of sex and any kind of partner. And I don’t mean you have to break into D&Ms in the middle of the fun stuff, but just make sure you ask them “how does that feel?”, or “do you want me to go higher/lower/faster/slower/harder/softer?”, or “show me where you want me to start”. If you feel uncomfortable talking about sex, you can communicate by making different sounds, touching, moving the other persons head/hand/fingers/bits, and moving your body in different ways. Don’t be afraid to try new things and see, feel & hear how your partner responds.

The other part of this equation is being able to LISTEN. Don’t be offended if your partner tells you something doesn’t feel good, or to do something differently. Be honoured and take those gems of info on board! You will improve your technique and they will improve their chances of orgasm. Everyone’s a winner.