69 & feelin' fine: how to do mutual oral sex without looking/feeling like an idiot

What is 69?

69 is a classic position which allows both partners to give and receive oral sex at the same time. Woohoooo!

It's a move that divides men and women - a whole lot think it's super hot, and the rest think it's a pain in the ass, and awkward as fuck. Getting a faceful of your partner's junk is a totally all-encompassing experience, like a visit to the most awesome, sexual, 5D Imax cinema ever.

It's true that perfecting the 69 takes a bit of effort, but it's well worth it - it's one of the rare forms of 'foreplay' or non-penetrative sex that stimulates both partners at once.

So here are my tips for making 69-ing more of an amazing sexual experience and less of a painful game of twister:

 
Talk about it
This is pretty much my advice for EVERYTHING to do with sex and sexual health. Communication is the key to having great sex and looking after yourself and your partner. And this totally applies to 69-ing, perhaps even more so than some other sex acts.

Firstly, it's important to talk to your partner because some people don't like giving and/or receiving oral sex, and they may be uncomfortable with the whole idea of doing both at the same time.

Secondly, talking about doing it allows both partners to get themselves ready - some may want to do some hair removal, have a shower or even just go to the bathroom before diving straight in.

Lastly, there are some logistics involved in 69-ing without someone ending up injured/suffocated. This isn't just something you can launch yourself into without warning your partner, as it requires some cooperation, especially in regards to getting yourselves in the right positions.....


Positions
Don't try to get too porntastic with your positions. Neither of you need to be flipped completely upside down and inside out to have an awesome 69, I promise. Here are 3 surefire winners:

1. Girl on top - If you're having sex with a guy, this is a winner winner chicken dinner if you want to have control over how deep to take him and how much contact he has with you. If you're having sex with a girl, take turns on top! Yay!

2. Guy on top - If you're having sex with a guy, in this position he has more control over how deep he goes, the pace and angles etc. So sometimes you'll need to communicate if it's uncomfortable, too deep, you can't breathe... you know, the simple pleasures in life. As above, if you're having guy-on-guy action, take turns on top! Hooray!

For both of these options one of you can have your head hanging off the end of the bed/couch with the other person in a bent over standing position, miley cyrus twerkin style.

3. Side-by-side: maximum comfort, minimum effort. For the ladies, hike your leg up in a bent position like a ballerina, with your foot resting on your othe knee, to give your partner access-all-areas. Guys can do the same, which is particularly useful if you want to include his balls and/or ass in the fun.

Bonus tip: add pillows under any body bits that are getting sore (heads, necks, butts, legs. chuck a pillow anywhere you want!)


 Extra bits:
 - Use protection. You know the deal - Condoms and dams and lube, oh my!

 - Toys: add a vibrator for extra fun. If you're using protection (or have both been STI tested and are clean as whistles), you can share the vibrator. A great option is a small one, preferably with a smooth and slim design, so it doesn't get in the way (like this awesome one here). Guys can tend to be a bit scared of using vibrators, so one that doesn't look like a giant schlong can be a great starter!

 - Read their body: You lose that eye contact connection with 69-ing, mainly because you are faced with a wall of genital. Because you lose those visual clues that tell you if you're partner is loving it or hating it, pay attention to the way their body moves and how they're responding physically to different techniques. And don't be afraid to take a breather and ask them if they're enjoying it - just because you're not looking at each other, doesn't mean you shouldn't make sure everything's sweet.

Remember: 69-ing is not for everyone. It can be a lot of work and feel pretty awkward, and some people just don't like giving & receiving at the same time (look, we can't all be multi-taskers). Give it a whirl and if you and/or your partner aren't keen on it, there are plenty more sex positions in the ocean.

To virginity and beyond...

I’ve got a complicated relationship with the name of this blog, ‘Notes To Virgins’. I started it to provide intelligent sex education for adults, as I’ve always been ridiculously disappointed with the lack of quality, honest and practical information provided by schools and health services to young people when they really need it. I have convos with people every day about their sex lives, and I’ve almost stopped being surprised by the amount of mis-information people are fed by schools, their parents, friends, the media & porn.  So, in essence, I wanted this blog to be able to counter-act that and maybe be able to help some people have better sex lives, with themselves and others. But the name has caused me some torment.

 

‘Notes to virgins’ can be read as being just for those who haven’t had sex/ screwed/fucked/popped their cherry/etc etc etc. But it’s so much more. It’s about doing things you haven’t done before. About broadening the horizons of your sexual experiences. About re-learning all that bullshit we’re taught from a young age. And one of those bullshit things is about the supposedly clear-cut distinction of virginity.

 

Virginity has got a whole load of social and cultural value. When/where women were sold and traded, virginity added a stack of value, but as we know, it’s the opposite for men (I’m talking American Pie-style message of virginity as something to get rid of as quickly and easily as humanly possible. Like some kind of sticky and awkward hot potato). So what even is virginity? What is this magical transition that happens the first time you have someone put something (obviously preferably a penis, according to common definition of sex) inside you, or the first time you put your penis into someone? What is it that you lose when you ‘lose your virginity’?

 

I’d like to argue that we don’t lose anything – not a hymen, not purity, not innocence, not value. What if we actually gain something? What if having sex for the first time can be thought of as a stage of development, a growing experience, a whole new level of knowing yourself, and others.  

 

Now that all sounds a bit deep and meaningful, but seriously, what if we starting looking at virginity differently, and naming it differently. What if we called it ‘gaining sexual maturity’. What if we called having sex for the first time (in whatever way you want to define it – make your own damn rules) your ‘sexual debut’ (a word commonly used in health promotion and sex research). That’s awesome, hey? “I made my sexual debut”. Sounds like it could be accompanied by some kind of awesome party. Or a gold record mounted in a frame. Or at least a badge. A full discussion about the political and feminist meaning of this is beyond the scope of this blog-post (and, to be honest, my expertise and writing skills) but, suffice to say, regardless of what we call it, we need to start embracing opportunities to define (and re-define) our sex lives and our sexuality.

 

So back to my point – why did I call this blog, ‘Notes to Virgins’? Not because I wanted it to be read only by those who hadn’t yet become sexually active. But because I see sex throughout the life as a constant process of learning, no matter how many times or with how many different people you’ve had ‘sex’. It changes with different partners, different bodies (yep. Your own body will surprise you with its changes), different times and emotions, different relationships. So, in essence, every time we have sex we are virgins going into it, regardless of how ‘routine’ or ‘common’ it may seem.

 

And what does this mean for you? It means I’d like you to try to take each sexual experience as a new opportunity to learn, about your own body, about the body of your partner(s) and their sexual response, about the way you are TOGETHER, about how you feel before/during/after, about what you like and don’t like. And if you still feel like you’re losing something the first or any time you have sex, you’re doing it wrong. Take some time off, find yourself, find a different partner, and find a satisfying sex life which allows you to grow. I reckon that’s what it’s all about. That’s where awesome sex (and sex education) comes from - where ‘virginity’ becomes irrelevant and meaningless.


p.s - I promise my next post will be back to the good old fashioned  here's-how-to-have-amazing-sex format.

Too young for sex education? /RANT/

A study cited in the Sydney Morning Herald this morning indicates that high school students want sex education earlier but that teachers are uncomfortable teaching such material. Regardless of the fact that this study was of a small sample size of students in Ballarat (a relatively urban centre in Victoria), it’s findings have hit a nerve & illuminated a heated debate in the comments section.

The argument against early sex education draws on fears of the loss of young people’s ‘innocence’ and the age-old moral panic that ‘if we teach them about it, it’s giving them permission to go out and do it’. And you know what? NO. It’s not. Teaching young people about their bodies, sex & contraceptives will not make them go out and have sex, just as teaching them about sports physiology and injury prevention will not make them go out and play dangerous sports.

 

‘RRR’ suggests that young people “are not emotionally ready to learn about sex education at an earlier age”. But when is ‘ready’? Does ‘ready’ mean when they have already been forced to deal with it, when they’re thrust head-first into puberty without any preparation? When they have their first wet dream, when they bleed between their legs, when they find themselves feeling guilty about masturbating? Surely we are ready to learn about our bodies at the earliest age possible. Surely the fact that we inhabit these glorious, fascinating, mysterious, messy and confusing vessels called our bodies, gives us enough reason to know how they work, what they can do and how this may affect us in the future.

I have a 4-year-old nephew who is endlessly inquisitive about his body and the bodies of those around him. Instead of calling his penis a 'willy', 'peepee' or a number of ridiculous pseudonyms I've heard used by adults and children alike, he knows it's called a penis. He knows about his foreskin, how to clean himself and that his penis feels nice sometimes when he touches it. He is incredibly well adjusted, happy and healthy. He knows who is allowed to touch his body and in what ways, what is 'off limits' and is being taught to look after himself. When we asks, we answer. It the information given is not relevant to him (as I'm sure it won't be for many years), he quickly tunes out and resumes playing Mario. It doesn't damage him and it doesn't confuse him. What it does do is open up an honest line of communication between himself and responsible adults who he loves and trusts. Where's the negative there?

By withholding information from young people, we reduce their sense of ownership of their bodies, their agency and decision-making which comes with the responsibility of being a human. To me, this screams of a number of concerning issues including possible body image problems, uninformed sexual decision-making, and sexual assault concerns(where young people are sexually disenfranchised and do not feel they are entitled to speak up about their own bodies and what can/can’t be done with them).

Amongst all the debate and misinformed nonsense on this comment thread, there are those who share some wonderful insights, and I’ll leave the last word with them: