Sex after....?

Hi everyone,

HUGE apologies that I've been a bit invisible recently. This year I have taken on a new role at work, completed almost 3 courses (including my Diploma of Counselling so I can start work in private practice as a sex therapist) and, most recently, got married!
So, it's been a bit crazy.

That said, I'm super keen to continue this blog, and have had an idea for a series of posts. With all the changes going on in my own life, there's been a lot of talk around me about 'sex after marriage'. But as I'm only a week into my own marriage, I don't know whether I'm super qualified to talk about it yet.

So I need help from all of you! Have you had an event in your life which has changed your sex life? I'm thinking of a range of experiences such as:
 - Surgery
 - Childbirth
 - Illness / Accident
 - Divorce / Break-up (ex sex)
 - Cheating / Infidelity (either as the person that cheated or was cheated on)
 - Grief (death of a loved one)
 - Sex work (either as an ex-sex worker or someone who has used a sex worker)
 - Marriage
 - Addiction (drug & alcohol)
 - Depression / mental health concerns
 - any other experiences you can think of.

Please comment below if you would like to contribute to any of these stories, or send me an email to giverny.lewis@gmail.com

xx

Have you watched porn with your partner?

Have you tried to watch pornography with your partner and dissolved into a fit of giggles? Have you given it a go and found it really super awkward? or did you think it was a huge turn-on and now incorporate it regularly into your sex life?

I'm writing an article for Cosmo magazine about how to watch porn with your partner, and exploring other's experiences - and I'd love to hear about yours!

Interested in hearing from all women who are happy to briefly share their experience - please comment below (anonymously, if you like) with the low-down!

x

69 & feelin' fine: how to do mutual oral sex without looking/feeling like an idiot

What is 69?

69 is a classic position which allows both partners to give and receive oral sex at the same time. Woohoooo!

It's a move that divides men and women - a whole lot think it's super hot, and the rest think it's a pain in the ass, and awkward as fuck. Getting a faceful of your partner's junk is a totally all-encompassing experience, like a visit to the most awesome, sexual, 5D Imax cinema ever.

It's true that perfecting the 69 takes a bit of effort, but it's well worth it - it's one of the rare forms of 'foreplay' or non-penetrative sex that stimulates both partners at once.

So here are my tips for making 69-ing more of an amazing sexual experience and less of a painful game of twister:

 
Talk about it
This is pretty much my advice for EVERYTHING to do with sex and sexual health. Communication is the key to having great sex and looking after yourself and your partner. And this totally applies to 69-ing, perhaps even more so than some other sex acts.

Firstly, it's important to talk to your partner because some people don't like giving and/or receiving oral sex, and they may be uncomfortable with the whole idea of doing both at the same time.

Secondly, talking about doing it allows both partners to get themselves ready - some may want to do some hair removal, have a shower or even just go to the bathroom before diving straight in.

Lastly, there are some logistics involved in 69-ing without someone ending up injured/suffocated. This isn't just something you can launch yourself into without warning your partner, as it requires some cooperation, especially in regards to getting yourselves in the right positions.....


Positions
Don't try to get too porntastic with your positions. Neither of you need to be flipped completely upside down and inside out to have an awesome 69, I promise. Here are 3 surefire winners:

1. Girl on top - If you're having sex with a guy, this is a winner winner chicken dinner if you want to have control over how deep to take him and how much contact he has with you. If you're having sex with a girl, take turns on top! Yay!

2. Guy on top - If you're having sex with a guy, in this position he has more control over how deep he goes, the pace and angles etc. So sometimes you'll need to communicate if it's uncomfortable, too deep, you can't breathe... you know, the simple pleasures in life. As above, if you're having guy-on-guy action, take turns on top! Hooray!

For both of these options one of you can have your head hanging off the end of the bed/couch with the other person in a bent over standing position, miley cyrus twerkin style.

3. Side-by-side: maximum comfort, minimum effort. For the ladies, hike your leg up in a bent position like a ballerina, with your foot resting on your othe knee, to give your partner access-all-areas. Guys can do the same, which is particularly useful if you want to include his balls and/or ass in the fun.

Bonus tip: add pillows under any body bits that are getting sore (heads, necks, butts, legs. chuck a pillow anywhere you want!)


 Extra bits:
 - Use protection. You know the deal - Condoms and dams and lube, oh my!

 - Toys: add a vibrator for extra fun. If you're using protection (or have both been STI tested and are clean as whistles), you can share the vibrator. A great option is a small one, preferably with a smooth and slim design, so it doesn't get in the way (like this awesome one here). Guys can tend to be a bit scared of using vibrators, so one that doesn't look like a giant schlong can be a great starter!

 - Read their body: You lose that eye contact connection with 69-ing, mainly because you are faced with a wall of genital. Because you lose those visual clues that tell you if you're partner is loving it or hating it, pay attention to the way their body moves and how they're responding physically to different techniques. And don't be afraid to take a breather and ask them if they're enjoying it - just because you're not looking at each other, doesn't mean you shouldn't make sure everything's sweet.

Remember: 69-ing is not for everyone. It can be a lot of work and feel pretty awkward, and some people just don't like giving & receiving at the same time (look, we can't all be multi-taskers). Give it a whirl and if you and/or your partner aren't keen on it, there are plenty more sex positions in the ocean.

The gift that keeps on giving

Want to give an AMAZING present to someone you love this Christmas?? Give an orgasm. To yourself or another.

My Little Black book have 25% off ALL their products if you use the codeword 'ORGASM' on checkout. I can totally recommend the Pierre Rabbit and Quill designs - depending on what you're after... (the quill is small and discrete and great for partner-sex as it could slip between the two of you nicely. and the rabbit is a classic design for vaginal penetration and clitoral stimulation with the 'clit tickler' at the same tie). Click HERE to go straight to their online shop!

I'll be writing some more reviews and product overviews for My Little Black Book in the near future. But in the mean time, why not try them for yourself and let me know what you think in the comments! With 25% off, it'll be the best decision you make this Christmas (besides going back for a second/third round of desserts).

To virginity and beyond...

I’ve got a complicated relationship with the name of this blog, ‘Notes To Virgins’. I started it to provide intelligent sex education for adults, as I’ve always been ridiculously disappointed with the lack of quality, honest and practical information provided by schools and health services to young people when they really need it. I have convos with people every day about their sex lives, and I’ve almost stopped being surprised by the amount of mis-information people are fed by schools, their parents, friends, the media & porn.  So, in essence, I wanted this blog to be able to counter-act that and maybe be able to help some people have better sex lives, with themselves and others. But the name has caused me some torment.

 

‘Notes to virgins’ can be read as being just for those who haven’t had sex/ screwed/fucked/popped their cherry/etc etc etc. But it’s so much more. It’s about doing things you haven’t done before. About broadening the horizons of your sexual experiences. About re-learning all that bullshit we’re taught from a young age. And one of those bullshit things is about the supposedly clear-cut distinction of virginity.

 

Virginity has got a whole load of social and cultural value. When/where women were sold and traded, virginity added a stack of value, but as we know, it’s the opposite for men (I’m talking American Pie-style message of virginity as something to get rid of as quickly and easily as humanly possible. Like some kind of sticky and awkward hot potato). So what even is virginity? What is this magical transition that happens the first time you have someone put something (obviously preferably a penis, according to common definition of sex) inside you, or the first time you put your penis into someone? What is it that you lose when you ‘lose your virginity’?

 

I’d like to argue that we don’t lose anything – not a hymen, not purity, not innocence, not value. What if we actually gain something? What if having sex for the first time can be thought of as a stage of development, a growing experience, a whole new level of knowing yourself, and others.  

 

Now that all sounds a bit deep and meaningful, but seriously, what if we starting looking at virginity differently, and naming it differently. What if we called it ‘gaining sexual maturity’. What if we called having sex for the first time (in whatever way you want to define it – make your own damn rules) your ‘sexual debut’ (a word commonly used in health promotion and sex research). That’s awesome, hey? “I made my sexual debut”. Sounds like it could be accompanied by some kind of awesome party. Or a gold record mounted in a frame. Or at least a badge. A full discussion about the political and feminist meaning of this is beyond the scope of this blog-post (and, to be honest, my expertise and writing skills) but, suffice to say, regardless of what we call it, we need to start embracing opportunities to define (and re-define) our sex lives and our sexuality.

 

So back to my point – why did I call this blog, ‘Notes to Virgins’? Not because I wanted it to be read only by those who hadn’t yet become sexually active. But because I see sex throughout the life as a constant process of learning, no matter how many times or with how many different people you’ve had ‘sex’. It changes with different partners, different bodies (yep. Your own body will surprise you with its changes), different times and emotions, different relationships. So, in essence, every time we have sex we are virgins going into it, regardless of how ‘routine’ or ‘common’ it may seem.

 

And what does this mean for you? It means I’d like you to try to take each sexual experience as a new opportunity to learn, about your own body, about the body of your partner(s) and their sexual response, about the way you are TOGETHER, about how you feel before/during/after, about what you like and don’t like. And if you still feel like you’re losing something the first or any time you have sex, you’re doing it wrong. Take some time off, find yourself, find a different partner, and find a satisfying sex life which allows you to grow. I reckon that’s what it’s all about. That’s where awesome sex (and sex education) comes from - where ‘virginity’ becomes irrelevant and meaningless.


p.s - I promise my next post will be back to the good old fashioned  here's-how-to-have-amazing-sex format.

Quick(y) Update

I have to send out a whole lot of apologies for not updating Notes To Virgins recently. I have been writing for Cosmopolitan Australia Magazine, new women's website My Little Black Book, and contributing to some friend's articles in other mags aswell. On top of that, I have just secured a job on the Youth Sexual Health team at Family Planning NSW, so it's all happening!

As part of my work with My Little Black Book, they are offering my blog readers an amazing deal on their products with 10% off all purchases - see off to the RIGHT hand side of my blog and click the little ad for more information. They have an amazing range of quality products which I whole heartedly endorse - get your hands on some, ASAP!

Check out a couple of my latest articles here:
'Help! My boyfriend's penis is too big!' (Australian Women's Health & Fitness)
'Size Matters: How to make the most out of his package' (MLBB)
Also check out the monthly Cosmo mag for my regular articles (December I talk about the differences between men & women in terms of sex, and next month my article about Porn Sex VS Real Sex will be up. I'm also going to be in 'Cosmo Campus' early next year discussing the dos & donts of dorm sex)

Coming up in my next post I want to explore the idea of 'virginity' and what it actually means - should we be even using the term 'virginity' or 'losing your virginity' anymore? Does penetrative intercourse actually constitute a 'sexual debut' or should this concept be more open to encompassing a range of sexual behaviours and interactions? What does this mean for GLBTI communities and those who are non-heteronormative in their relationships and sex lives?

I'm also keen to know what YOU would like me to write about - do you have any questions about sex? What do you wish you were taught about in sex ed but weren't? What saucy questions would you like answered!? Comment below & let me know xx

The Red Bedding: Sex During Menstruation

SIDENOTE: If you don't get the Game of Thrones reference in that title, you should be ashamed. 

There's a point in every relationship where the topic of sex during menstruation comes up. Usually it's when you've planned a sexy long weekend away, or you've got the house to yourselves, and you're both incredibly horny. Those moments where you're both really keen to make the most of it, but it's something you've never discussed.... do you take the plunge in sex during menstruation or not?