The bloody myth

For many women, the anxiety over the prospect of losing your virginity is tied up in the illusive hymen. We’re not really taught what the hymen is, but we know to expect blood when someone finally ‘pops our cherry’. So WTF is this cherry and what does ‘popping’ it actually mean?

We’re taught to think that the hymen is like a sheet of clingwrap covering the entrance of the vagina, which will be perforated/broken/torn by a penis. In fact, the hymen is not a full piece of skin or membrane which is ‘broken’ and opens up some magical vaginal path to the uterus. If it was then women with an unbroken hymen would experience massive infections every time they had their period (as there would be no way for the menstrual blood to escape). Instead, the hymen usually appears as a set of ‘fringes’ or ruffles of tissue around the walls of the vagina. In cases that the hymen is a full membrane, this is called ‘imperforate hymen’ (which is an extreme in the spectrum of hymen types) and generally requires medical intervention in being gently cut open to allow menstrual flow and general vaginal health.

The variation in hymens is similar to the variations in vulvas – we all look different, but all are perfectly normal and functional - except for hymen imperforatus ofcourse, so get that checked out.

Source

So while some women may bleed when they first have intercourse, it is usually because the penis is the biggest object to have penetrated them, and is likely to stretch or tear these ‘hymen-y’ fringes. This can also occur from using tampons, fingering or inserting other objects into the vagina, strenuous sports or horseriding, and medical examinations.

So the concept of an ‘intact’ hymen is actually a big, fat lie. We hear words like ‘breaking’ or ‘popping’ the hymen – the myth of the hymen perpetuates ideas that by having sex a woman loses something which is taken from her by a man. We are taught we need to ‘protect’ our hymen as it is what separates innocence and guilt.

Experiencing some pain, bleeding or a stinging sensation with first-time intercourse can also be due to the vaginal walls ‘stretching’ (although they are not really stretching, merely expanding, which can be made difficult through nerves & anxiety), &/or a lack of lubrication which can cause friction and discomfort.

During first time sex, it may hurt a little, it may sting, you may see some blood. Or you may experience none of these things. To avoid too much pain or discomfort, USE LUBE, and take it slowly, communicate with your partner and educate him or her on what is uncomfortable/comfortable, pleasurable/not-so-nice.  Ofcourse, losing your virginity is about more than the hymen, and it certainly shouldn't be the symbolic definer of first-time sex.

So, hymen schmymen - let's kick those hymen myths to the curb.

Real Sex: Painful sex / Vaginismus

Since starting this blog I've been contacted by several people who have wanted to tell their stories and share their experiences of sex. Each one has been unique and I'm incredibly humbled and grateful that they want to share their intimate details with the internetz. 

This will be the first of several contributed stories to Notes to Virgins over the next few months. 'Miss G' has written about her experience of Vaginismus, a involuntary reflex/tightening of the vaginal muscles which usually prevents penetration and makes any attempt extremely painful. From the first discovery of the pain, to seeking treatment and the experience of intercourse with partners, this really is a tell-all recount of her journey in her own voice. I'd like to thank Miss G for contacting me about this, and I hope that your story will educate and inspire others to seek help if they experience vaginal pain.