I’ve got a complicated relationship with the name of this
blog, ‘Notes To Virgins’. I started it to provide intelligent sex education for
adults, as I’ve always been ridiculously disappointed with the lack of quality,
honest and practical information provided by schools and health services to
young people when they really need it. I have convos with people every day
about their sex lives, and I’ve almost stopped being surprised by the amount of
mis-information people are fed by schools, their parents, friends, the media
& porn. So, in essence, I wanted
this blog to be able to counter-act that and maybe be able to help some people
have better sex lives, with themselves and others. But the name has caused me
some torment.
‘Notes to virgins’ can be read as being just for those who
haven’t had sex/ screwed/fucked/popped their cherry/etc etc etc. But it’s so
much more. It’s about doing things you haven’t done before. About broadening
the horizons of your sexual experiences. About re-learning all that bullshit we’re
taught from a young age. And one of those bullshit things is about the supposedly
clear-cut distinction of virginity.
Virginity has got a whole load of social and cultural value.
When/where women were sold and traded, virginity added a stack of value, but as
we know, it’s the opposite for men (I’m talking American Pie-style message of
virginity as something to get rid of as quickly and easily as humanly possible.
Like some kind of sticky and awkward hot potato). So what even is virginity? What
is this magical transition that happens the first time you have someone put
something (obviously preferably a penis, according to common definition of sex)
inside you, or the first time you put your penis into someone? What is it that you
lose when you ‘lose your virginity’?
I’d like to argue that we don’t lose anything – not a hymen,
not purity, not innocence, not value. What if we actually gain something? What
if having sex for the first time can be thought of as a stage of development, a
growing experience, a whole new level of knowing yourself, and others.
Now that all sounds a bit deep and meaningful, but
seriously, what if we starting looking at virginity differently, and naming it
differently. What if we called it ‘gaining sexual maturity’. What if we called
having sex for the first time (in whatever way you want to define it – make your
own damn rules) your ‘sexual debut’ (a word commonly used in health promotion
and sex research). That’s awesome, hey? “I made my sexual debut”. Sounds like
it could be accompanied by some kind of awesome party. Or a gold record mounted
in a frame. Or at least a badge. A full discussion about the political and
feminist meaning of this is beyond the scope of this blog-post (and, to be
honest, my expertise and writing skills) but, suffice to say, regardless of
what we call it, we need to start embracing opportunities to define (and
re-define) our sex lives and our sexuality.
So back to my point – why did I call this blog, ‘Notes to
Virgins’? Not because I wanted it to be read only by those who hadn’t yet become
sexually active. But because I see sex throughout the life as a constant
process of learning, no matter how many times or with how many different people
you’ve had ‘sex’. It changes with different partners, different bodies (yep. Your
own body will surprise you with its changes), different times and emotions,
different relationships. So, in essence, every time we have sex we are virgins
going into it, regardless of how ‘routine’ or ‘common’ it may seem.
And what does this mean for you? It means I’d like you to
try to take each sexual experience as a new opportunity to learn, about your
own body, about the body of your partner(s) and their sexual response, about
the way you are TOGETHER, about how you feel before/during/after, about what
you like and don’t like. And if you still feel like you’re losing something the
first or any time you have sex, you’re doing it wrong. Take some time off, find
yourself, find a different partner, and find a satisfying sex life which allows
you to grow. I reckon that’s what it’s all about. That’s where awesome sex (and
sex education) comes from - where ‘virginity’ becomes irrelevant and
meaningless.
p.s - I promise my next post will be back to the good old fashioned here's-how-to-have-amazing-sex format.
