'Cure'

Yesterday I was contacted by an old school friend about whether I wanted to speak at an event happening at the Powerhouse Museum this morning.  It's a monthly event run by Vibewire called 'fastBREAK' and the topic was 'Cure' (http://vibewire.org/). I scribbled some notes together and made my bleary-eyed way to the powerhouse this morning. The turn-out was great and there was tweeting and instagramming galore! Between pastries & coffee the other speakers discussed poverty (www.theoaktree.org), mental health (http://expatentpreneur.com/), autism (www.kodamapixel.com) & Australia's drinking culture (www.hellosundaymorning.com.au), while I spoke about young people & sexual health. The feedback I've received so far has been overwhelming, so I thought I'd include a copy of my speech here, so if you'd like to read, click the 'read more' link below.

Can't wait to give more of these speeches/presentations and spread the word about sex-positive education for young people!

The bloody myth

For many women, the anxiety over the prospect of losing your virginity is tied up in the illusive hymen. We’re not really taught what the hymen is, but we know to expect blood when someone finally ‘pops our cherry’. So WTF is this cherry and what does ‘popping’ it actually mean?

We’re taught to think that the hymen is like a sheet of clingwrap covering the entrance of the vagina, which will be perforated/broken/torn by a penis. In fact, the hymen is not a full piece of skin or membrane which is ‘broken’ and opens up some magical vaginal path to the uterus. If it was then women with an unbroken hymen would experience massive infections every time they had their period (as there would be no way for the menstrual blood to escape). Instead, the hymen usually appears as a set of ‘fringes’ or ruffles of tissue around the walls of the vagina. In cases that the hymen is a full membrane, this is called ‘imperforate hymen’ (which is an extreme in the spectrum of hymen types) and generally requires medical intervention in being gently cut open to allow menstrual flow and general vaginal health.

The variation in hymens is similar to the variations in vulvas – we all look different, but all are perfectly normal and functional - except for hymen imperforatus ofcourse, so get that checked out.

Source

So while some women may bleed when they first have intercourse, it is usually because the penis is the biggest object to have penetrated them, and is likely to stretch or tear these ‘hymen-y’ fringes. This can also occur from using tampons, fingering or inserting other objects into the vagina, strenuous sports or horseriding, and medical examinations.

So the concept of an ‘intact’ hymen is actually a big, fat lie. We hear words like ‘breaking’ or ‘popping’ the hymen – the myth of the hymen perpetuates ideas that by having sex a woman loses something which is taken from her by a man. We are taught we need to ‘protect’ our hymen as it is what separates innocence and guilt.

Experiencing some pain, bleeding or a stinging sensation with first-time intercourse can also be due to the vaginal walls ‘stretching’ (although they are not really stretching, merely expanding, which can be made difficult through nerves & anxiety), &/or a lack of lubrication which can cause friction and discomfort.

During first time sex, it may hurt a little, it may sting, you may see some blood. Or you may experience none of these things. To avoid too much pain or discomfort, USE LUBE, and take it slowly, communicate with your partner and educate him or her on what is uncomfortable/comfortable, pleasurable/not-so-nice.  Ofcourse, losing your virginity is about more than the hymen, and it certainly shouldn't be the symbolic definer of first-time sex.

So, hymen schmymen - let's kick those hymen myths to the curb.

Real Sex: Painful sex / Vaginismus

Since starting this blog I've been contacted by several people who have wanted to tell their stories and share their experiences of sex. Each one has been unique and I'm incredibly humbled and grateful that they want to share their intimate details with the internetz. 

This will be the first of several contributed stories to Notes to Virgins over the next few months. 'Miss G' has written about her experience of Vaginismus, a involuntary reflex/tightening of the vaginal muscles which usually prevents penetration and makes any attempt extremely painful. From the first discovery of the pain, to seeking treatment and the experience of intercourse with partners, this really is a tell-all recount of her journey in her own voice. I'd like to thank Miss G for contacting me about this, and I hope that your story will educate and inspire others to seek help if they experience vaginal pain. 

Have Your Sexy Say:

If you have a question or a suggestion for a blog post, post your thoughts below:

Penises/vaginas/anuses, sex acts, fetishes, relationships, communication, casual sex, fuck buddies, techniques, desire, arousal, orgasm, STIs, monogamy, polyamory, ….. THE LIST GOES ON!

Think about what you wish you’d been taught about sex and then ask the questions or suggest a topic! Post it as a comment (you can use your googleID or go anonymous!) and I'll get onto it!

What Women Want (hint: ASK THEM)

So, I’ve been trawling Quora lately and have been absolutely gobsmacked by the amount of people that ask “what turns a woman on?”, “how can I make my g/f wet?”, “how can I make my girl relax and enjoy sex more?”. These are genuine questions, but I can only wonder why they’re directing their answers to the interwebz and not their partners themselves. If you want to know what turns someone on, ask them.

Photo Credit: Joseph Hancock

Now I know that this can be a tricky conversation to have, but it really doesn’t have to be an awkward “sit down - we need to talk” one. Here are some pointers for finding out what your female partner does/doesn’t want you to do:

-          Take it slowly – hold your horses, take a few deep breaths and take everything very slowly at first. For example, don’t try to dive straight into fingering her without making sure she’s ready – make sure you take plenty of time to kiss her, touch her, run your hands over her body. Don’t just jump in and expect her to love it. If you try to penetrate her (with a finger/toy/penis) while she’s ‘dry’, it’ll be uncomfortable for the both of you and she’s less likely to want to take it any further.

-           ‘Check-in’ with her - While you’re going down on her/fingering her/playing with her nipples – whatever it is you’re doing – ask her if it feels okay, if she wants it faster/harder/slower/softer and be guided by her responses. We don’t expect you to be experts on how to turn us on, and most women appreciate the opportunity to give feedback and feel they’re in control (to some extent!).

-          Practice what you preach – tell her what feels good for you, things you’d like to try etc. and she’s likely to follow your lead. Once you start opening up the lines of communication, you might be surprised by the kinds of things that start coming out of her mouth.

-         Conversation Killers - NEVER start the conversation with “So, I saw them do this thing in some porn I watched….”. Unless you know she’s into porn or happy for you to watch porn, avoid this one. It’s a sure-fire way to kill the mood.

-          Post-play - After you’re finished fooling around/having sex, have a bit of a de-brief. You’ll be be relaxed and (hopefully) sexually satisfied, the bonding & feel-good hormones (oxytocin & dopamine) will be bounding around, so it’s a great time to improve lines of communication. Ask her what she enjoyed, what she wants to try again, if there’s anything else she’s interested in trying. Ask her specific questions about things you want feedback on, and make sure you take it on board for next time.

So these pointers are more about 'how to find out what turns her on', rather than 'how to turn her on' - I'll do another blog entry about things that COMMONLY turn women on, but obviously it's always preferable to find out from the woman herself rather than a blanket approach!

P.S. - If you haven't checked out Quora, you definitely should. It's basically a question-and-answer community and has an amazing and extensive sex/sexuality section. Get onto it. & while you're at it, follow me: http://www.quora.com/Giverny-Lewis.

Not all porn is created equal

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.