Have criteria for sexual partners

Draft up a checklist (physically or mentally) of what qualities you want in a sexual partner. Whether they're an anonymous fling, a casual affair or a long-term relationship, it's important to be conscious of what you will and won't unzip for. 

Age, intelligence level and marital status are a good place to start, but also factor in sexual attraction, apparent cleanliness and, on a big night out, a guestimate of their blood-alcohol level. Your criteria should be partner-specific, but also condition-specific. If the partner is ‘perfect’ but the conditions are dubious (you’re in a rush, others are in earshot, or the location is dodgy), give it a miss. You’ll be distracted and uncomfortable throughout the whole experience, very unlikely to experience significant arousal, and even less likely to cum. 

Also think about what the purpose of the sex is - is it for fun? power? revenge? to try something new? What are THEIR reasons for wanting to have sex? This will determine what kind of partner you should go with. 

Lastly, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. If someone seems dodgy, coercive or aggressive, avoid them like the plague (unless you're into that). Similarly, if they're needy, anxious and insecure, probably better to skip the sex. You could end up with a big mess on your hands.

Make sure you stick to your criteria - it's an important benchmark to make sure you have some power over who you fuck, when & how. Sex is wonderful - you deserve to have the kinds of sex you want.  

What are YOUR criteria? 

Lube it up, buttercup

Use water-based lube, as much as you want. Oil is not a lube. Pawpaw cream is not a lube. Body butter is not a lube. Spit is a good back-up lube – it’s naturally occurring, water-based and free. But it does dry up quickly, so better to invest in a quality lube, as a little bit can go a long way.

Especially for your first time, lube is absolutely essential. 

Having to use lube is not a sign you’re not aroused enough – sometimes the vagina doesn’t lubricate naturally quite as much as other times. This can be due to where you are in your menstrual cycle and other hormonal changes, as well as distractions and just pure variation – as much as we would like to believe, we are not sex machines and we can’t expect to behave as such.  

MaxxxBlack have an amazing range - I recommend Intimate Organics HYDRA. 

don't be a douche

The vagina cleans itself. Don’t use sprays, lotions or any other wizardry that sells itself by making you feel dirty. The small amounts of discharge (am I even allowed to use that word anymore? I don’t want to cause public outcry!) you  may see is the vagina maintaining its natural Ph balance.  

If you’re really worried about the smell or juices coming from your vagina, have a shower before sex and rinse between your vulva with plain, warm water. If the smell is particularly bad/constant, or you have a coloured or thick discharge, go see a doctor – it could be vaginitis or thrush.

& gentlemen, if you have a discharge – get it checked out. immediately. If you don’t, then YOU’RE the douche.

Don't fake it till you make it

Sometimes it can be easier to just lurch around a bit, increase your panting and let out a few yells, but who are you kidding?

You’re cheating yourself out of the sex you want & deserve, you’re giving your partner false impressions of grandeur and you’ll just wind up feeling guilty and unsatisfied. If you’re not cuming regularly, but you don’t want to fake it, explore this with your partner. Make sure he knows it’s OKAY if you don’t cum every time. & find out what you can both do to improve the orgasm-to-nogasm-ratio. 

The Virgin Post of Notes to Virgins

ahh... the virgin post of my first blog.

So, I'd like to start out by telling you to check out the 'about me' page. It's a bit of a background on what I do and why I do it.

I'm incredibly excited about starting this blog, as I hope it will be a place where people can visit regularly, get some practical, non-clinical information about sex and relationships, contribute their own thoughts, and link into other sexual health resources and supports. Even in my field of work, as a young person I've often been made to feel that I shouldn't talk about sexual health, that it isn't something I should have knowledge about, confidence in, or  control over. and I know I'm not alone.

We need to develop a community of open discussion about sexual health - where intelligent and diverse young adults can share their thoughts, experiences and recommendations in a non-judgemental environment.

On that note, if you'd like to make a contribution to the blog, tell us what you wish you'd been told about sex by contacting us on Facey.