fastBREAK 'cure' video

Here is the video of my speech from fastBREAK at the Powerhouse Museum last month, which I wrote about HERE. Get excited.

Fap your way to happiness (aka The Fappiness Principle)

MASTURBATE!

It’s the best way to get to know your body, what turns you on, what feels nasty, what makes you cum. How are we supposed to tell our partners what we want or don’t want, if we don’t even know ourselves? It’s a wonderful way to explore your body’s sexual response, it’s always consensual, there’s no risk of pregnancy and it’s completely natural. 

Photo by Zandura577 (Source)

Children naturally masturbate, they start exploring their bodies and find that some parts feel particularly good when touched in certain ways. But at the same time we are taught not to touch ourselves, and we learn that our genitals are our ‘private parts’ or ‘naughty parts’, so we repress the natural desire to fiddle. When we become teenagers & the barrage of hormones kick in, the desire to masturbate returns, and masturbation becomes the source of many jokes – especially targeted at young men. They’re expected to want to masturbate almost constantly, which fails to acknowledge their diversity of experiences and desires/drives.  It feeds into the sexualised culture of young men who are told in order to be ‘real men’ they need to want and be ready for sex all.the.time.

The reality is that most of us fumble about a bit during adolescence, but usually fall into a regular pattern of masturbation which is predictable and not particularly varied. We use the same porn or fantasies and the same techniques which usually continues into adulthood. Ofcourse, masturbation isn’t compulsory and you are not abnormal if you don’t want to play with yourself. Some people don't masturbate or have any desire to masturbate at all, and that's completely normal aswell.

However, if you’d like to start masturbating, or want to explore or change your masturbation technique (maybe because you’re not reaching orgasm as often as you’d like?), here’s some hot tips.

-       Get in the mood: You might find that just the idea of masturbating will be a turn-on itself, but if you need a little help to get the fire started, try some of these things –

o   Fantasise about someone or something that turns you on. Imagine they are there with you or you are in a situation which you find sexy. It may be something you have done before, would like to do or would never do but find the idea of it a huge turn-on!). Lots of people have fantasies which they would never like to come true (especially rape/assault fantasies), but it doesn’t mean they can’t be a healthy part of your sexual experiences.

o   Pornography / Erotica – Explore some of the websites and resources I’ve listed HERE, and you’re likely to find something that flips your switches. Have a browse through the free websites and then use key word searches to pinpoint the kind of stuff you like.

o   Voyeurism/Exhibitionism – try Cam4 or even ChatRoulette if you want to see some real people getting their junk out. If you’re super brave, you might want to show yourself off. Get your web-cam set-up & get to it – you’ll find people will give you suggestions and compliments (although there may be haters aswell), and you might find it gets you going. But be careful to conceal your identity if you’re worried, and make sure you’re aware of the risks of online exhibitionism.

-          Use lube: this is always an essential part of any sex education I give. Lube is one of the best things to add to both masturbation and partner-sex. It makes everything slippery, makes penetration or contact (with clitoris/vulva, penis, sex toy, body part, material etc.) less abrasive, and lessens the risk of discomfort from a ‘dry rub’ (think of a genital carpet-burn….gaah). Try a water-based lubricant - they're available at supermarkets, chemists or adult stores, or you can also buy it online and it will be shipped in discrete packaging.

-          Ladies, invest in a vibrator: This can be particularly important, as vibrational pressure on or around the clitoris is what women most commonly find will regularly bring them to orgasm. You don’t necessarily need a giant, penis-shaped vibrator – there are lots of interesting products out, especially by a brand called Lelo (MaxxxBlack have a great range here) which are shaped like ‘pebbles’, especially for the clitoris and vulva area (external genitals). Dr Laura Berman controversially suggested on Oprah in 2009 that mothers might give their daughters a vibrator. Props to Berman, that’s an amazing idea! A lot of women might find that their hands or other objects might work just as well, but a vibrator is always a good accessory and one that has found to be particularly useful to many women – vibration was also used by doctors back in the day where female ‘hysteria’ was cured by orgasm!

-         Experiment with different textures, pressures & rhythms: usually one size doesn’t fit all, so try a few different things to see what works and what doesn’t – move into different positions, try different objects/toys and try to work out how sensitive different parts of your genitals are. You might find that you need a very specific combination of things to reach orgasm.

-          Focus on the sensations: Especially if you’re trying to control orgasm (whether you’ve never had an orgasm and you’re trying to, or whether you find you’re cumming too fast and want to lengthen the experience), try to focus on how it feels. Try to block out other distractions – and that might mean making sure you have a quiet space free of interruptions, putting some music on, and/or relaxing in a warm bath.

What have you got to lose? Take some time out of your day to get in touch with your body and inner ‘fappiness’.